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Dear Colonel Gaddafi: If you are going to use human shields to protect yourself from rebel attacks....May I suggest using Snookie, Justin Bieber, Casey Anthony and the Octomom 
everybody hates it when their job blows...but love it the other way round.
Just left Disney resort to Orlando airport on the Disney's magical express.. Yeah right the magic here is the break I will have on my mastercard
I swear everytime I hear the new tempur pedic commercial all I can think of is "ask me about my weiner" from Accepted!!!
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Baboons: They are the loudest, most obnoxious, most vicious and least intelligent of all the primates. What is a group of baboons called? A CONGRESS.
I keep seeing these commercials for Coors beer with the cans that have these blue bars on them that tell you when they are cold. Back in my drinking days, I just felt the can. Are people really that stupid these days?
I tell my kids that when the ice cream man is playing music, he is out of ice cream.
I hate when someone tags me at the donut shop and I am supposed to be running
Don't say forever if what you mean is for a few weeks.
It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything. -Tyler Durden
I know I love you because I fight most with the people I love – is the biggest bullsh*t ever.
Waiting for you to find me hiding in the closet so you can pee yourself when I jump out screaming
you ever had a girl that was so easy that you felt guilty afterwards?
People always look for that one flaw or mistake to bring you down and ignore all the good you have ever done.
What Women Want: To be loved, to be listened to, to be desired, to be respected, to be needed, to be trusted, and sometimes, just to be held. What Men Want: Sex
Sex is one of the 9 reasons for reincarnation, the other 8 are unimportant.
Who needs love when you've got a gun?
Peggy - "Tell me you love me, Al - "I love football, I love beer, let's not cheapen the meaning of the word."
I think that the term "wife beater" wins the award for most Widely accepted unacceptable phrase. 