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Anytime a smart ass cop tells me to have a nice day after he writes me a ticket I respond with "and you try not to get shot today." 
Stop looking at me like that - it's not like you've never tried to play a song from the ATM at the bar before either.
How is it possible that one of Michael Jackson's doctors is on trial... and it's not his plastic surgeon?
Somewhere-In-The-Hood: There's a dog roaming free, no leash, no owner.
My mom isn't too good with computers, so I like to leave a screenshot of the Google home page open and then watch her lose her damn mind.
Most of the time the past tense of 'hate' is 'love.'
Some people are as useless as a "Sign in" button for Myspace.
I don't hate people, I just feel better when they're not around.
I named my dog life because she is a b!tch too.
My optic nerve crossed with my a$$hole, and gave me a sh*tty outlook on life.
Sex is like music: for every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
The next time I go ice skating, I'm slamming someone against a wall and yelling, "Go Ducks!!"
the only way you can be better than me is that you actually wrap yourself in bacon
You wanna know how my day's going? I have a convertible and a bird, well, you know the rest.......................
A pregnant prostitute went to a doctor and he asked, “Do you know who the father is?” She replied, “Well, if you ate a can of baked beans, do you know which one made you fart?”
MAN RULE 102: No man shall describe another man as cute or handsome.
Side-Chick-Text: “You just deleted my post on your Facebook wall. Why are you trying to hide me?”
Seriously, Why the f*ck would you give somebody 244 years in prison?
I need a guy to give me a hug and say " Sorry my whole gender sucks"
MAN LAW 101: No man should ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. 