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I banged my best friends mom, I guess this makes me his best motherf*cking friend! 
Dear Facebook friend, I was so super excited to read your post about you having pork chops for dinner. It was almost as captivating as your story about taking your grandmother to the grocery store. Where do you come up with this stuff???
I miss the days when Disney produced cartoons instead of teen sluts.
My feelings are hurt that it took you two months to figure out that I blocked you. B!TCH!
Here's a lil tip guys...don't ask your wife or GF "what kind of cake are you making me for bosses day?" Happy Bosses Day
"I don't always drink milk, but when I do, I prefer Dos Chi Chis." hahaha Stay Thirsty my friends.
When I die, I want my last words to be: "I left a million dollars under the...."
Autocorrect is like that person who just graduated college and think they know everything.
If I don't wear my tinfoil helmet, Jesus will tell me to eat all the donuts.
Karing about Kardashians is Kulturally Kreepy & Kognitively Korrosive.
A 100-year-old man ran a full-length marathon today. And then a 40-year-old man sent a tweet about it while eating ice cream on his couch.
Dear Nickelback, I'll give you a dollarback if you'll stop making music.
“Hold on playa!” -Ghetto Yield sign.
well I think its time to do the things I have always wanted to to before judgement day October 21 lmao not again!!!!!
Whisky is a brilliant invention. One double and you start feeling single again.
NEWS: "Illegally downloading pirated films is costing hundreds of millions of dollars a year" What site are they using? It's free for me.
Don't run your mouth like its on Broadband, when your brains working on Dial up.
Don't take it personal, if they don't know you personally.
What's a nice girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?
When I was younger, my mom would give me $2 to go to the grocery store and I would bring a dozen eggs, bag of candy, gallon of milk, a box of tea and potato chips. I can't now though, there are surveillance cameras now. 