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"I just want to get the work over as soon as possible so I can do some fishing. Fishing relaxes me. It's like yoga except I still get to kill something." -Ron Swanson 
I disagree with all the bad language in p0rnography nowadays, shouting all that rude stuff. Come on now, there are children watching!
Celebrity Ghost Stories are first hand experiences of celebrities who smoked crack.
My Solution to World Hunger: Unlimited breadsticks and salad at Olive Garden. Oprah, make your move...
You know you need sleep when you feel drunk without having actually had any alcohol.
Ugly People: There's only so much that photoshop can do.
I don't friend request someone just because they have a pretty face. I friend request them if they have a pretty face and big t*ts.
Lot of Cruz missiles being launched from DFW the past week...
Facebook stalking is lame. It also takes all the fun out of physical stalking.
Blessed are the young, For they shall inherit the National debt.
Just explained Twitter to my friend. I don't think I did it right, as he's excited to sign up.
If I ever have to pay FaceBook to see what my friends are up to, we will be meeting back at the bar!
Maybe if I look like i'm going to shoplift, I can get some help in the electronics section at Target.
Female gamers need to get off their high horse. There are a million girls who like gaming, and it doesn't make them "special" or "cool". It just makes them a girl who happens to like video games.
Guys: boobs are like Wendy's; "You know when it's real,"
Sending Right Guard, toothpaste and soap to wall street.
I just had an epifanny. I realized I can't spell epifanny.
I'm pretty sure Dora the Explorer is teaching kids the wrong idea, because I tried rapist no raping the other day…. It didn't go well.
There's that moment of awesome when you get an A on the test... and then you realize you were given someone elses' test...
It sucks when you make a really awesome post but then someone steals your glory with an even better comment. 