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I hate it when my nap gets interrupted by a pedestrian slamming into my windshield. 
My wife refers to my underwear drawer as skid row.
i wish my car ran off MONSTER like I do or even trident layers (imagine)..lol
My printer must have been made in Jamaica because it always be jammin, mon.
Before his wiener got seared off, Anakin Skywalker was an obsessive Master-Vader.
My iPhone is currently updating so I have to tweet from my computer like some Ethiopian kid.
MY HERO!" "My hero." --Guy who got his sandwich stolen, then saved by a stranger
She keeps complaining that I always do her with socks on.. I suppose wearing a condom would be better...
Our Father who art in Saint Louis, Baseball be thy game. Thy will be done, the NL Division will be won, on the field, as well as in the bullpen. Give us this day our bat and our glove, and forgive us our errors, as we forgive those who home-run against us
Just heard Jay-Z's new pro Wall Street remix. If you're having financial problems I feel bad for you son. You're in the 99% but I'm in the one.
Swagging on a million tissue boxes
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked, "Crushed nuts?" " He goes, "No, arthritis."
When someone threatens me I try to diffuse the situation with humor and then punch them in the throat while their laughing.
Couples who have been married for a long time start finishing off each other's sentences. The most popular being "Shut up."
They say getting over someone is directly proportional to how much they meant to you. That was the hardest 15 minutes of my life.
You are living proof God for sure had lazy days.
Saw a hobo with a sign today reading "I need clothes." So, only wanting to help, I yelled "You spelled JOB wrong!"
I'll drink to that!! - Me, after anyone says anything.
MY gf says I would look real sexy with a Brazilian ..so I'm off to First choice hope she likes it, and its only ..$17.99.
Good thing I got this degree, just in case this unemployment thing doesn't work out.
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