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Andy Rooney vapor locked today at age 92. I don't want to say he was old, but I heard his Social Security number was "1".....RIP you miserable old fart! 
There is always that one person whose friend request you regret ever accepting.
Usually I am a loving person, but there are two things in this world I have failed to love, JUSTIN BIEBER AND TWILIGHT MOVIES.
You are not a photographer…..You just have an overpriced camera.
currently in the planning stages for a hangover.
i wake up, stare at the ceiling, I'm alive, what a beautiful feeling
Me: If I had known you were a virgin, I would have taken more time. She: If I had known you had more time, I would have taken off my pantyhose.
The weekend crowd here is hard to please.
Justin Bieber denies the pregnancy rumours saying there is no way he could be pregnant because he has been on the pill for the past year.
you don't realize the importance of things until they are taken away from you
You deserve good things, and I want to be one of them.
Time travel ..0ne hr back in time tonight..i wonder how different every thing will be.
Golden Rule: He who has the gold makes the rules.
Last night I got so drunk that I took a bus home. That may not be a big deal to you.... but I've never driven a bus before.
I'm sorry officer, I thought you wanted to race.
Whoever said "Mom knows best" has obviously never heard of Eve.
crazy? I was crazy once . . . my friends locked me in a padded room they said I was nuts . . . nuts? squirrels like nuts . . . squirrels are crazy! . . . crazy? I was crazy once . . . my friends locked me in a paddes room they said I was nuts . . .
I stopped over at my dyslexic friend's house for coffee this morning, he was busy covering his "manhood" with black shoe polish when I got there. I said, "No, silly you're supposed to turn your CLOCK BACK!" Dyslexia is such a curse.
My favorite thing about senior citizens is their medicine cabinets.
I'm looking forward to going back in time tonight.. between 1:am to 2:am you can do whatever you want only to have it all erased when you go back in time!..I've got plans! ;) 