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A friend of mine said onions are the only food that can make you cry..that was before I hit him in the face with a watermelon 
Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I shall die before I wake.....please log into my computer and delete my browsing history and temporary files before my mom sees it. My password is *******. Thanks
"It's impossible," said pride. "It's risky," said experience. "It's pointless," said reason. "Give it a try," said the heart.
Its much easier to to turn a friendship into love.. then love into a friendship.
Cheating is a choice... Not a mistake.
Some girls say that they need a boyfriend to keep them warm in the winter. I just bought a coat
Having your cell phone clipped to your belt is helpful for letting everyone know that you won't be getting laid tonight.
Women only need 3.5 inches to achieve maximum pleasure… it's called a credit card.
THIS JUST IN: Hooters seeks extra support due to unprecedented sagging.
It would be really convenient if Christmas decorations grew on trees.
If this really was a popularity contest I think you'd have to agree we all lose.
The problem with having so many followers is that simple jokes are now beneath me. Like your mother.
Teenagers dancing these days looks like sex standing up. Go back to Sluts-R-Us ladies.....
Apparently Facebook is now Rated...NC-17?!
Newt Gingrich just said he was "a pretty good debater" I wish he would have said he was a "master debater" instead so I could write something funny about it!
The more neighbors I spy on through my binoculars, the creepier I think all my neighbors are!
The saddest part about my neighbor demanding I not serve booze to her kids is finding out they're not cool dwarfs who like to party.
My dad never loved me as a child, you can't really blame him though I wasn't born until he was an adult.
it wouldn't be a second chance if it was the same mistake, it would be a third.
It's funny to hear someone talk normally and then all of a sudden throw in a huge word. EX: "Yo, dude I was walking down the street with my bro and suddenly this hot girl walks by and I was like, 'Damn, that ass is quite prepossessing.'". 