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That demoralising moment when you're starting a new chapter of your life only to realize that's it's exactly the same as the last chapter. 
Every girl has their favorite period underwear.
I just turned on the news and they said "The Occupiers are trying to figure out where to go to next." How about a job interview?
Only people with sh!tty video cameras and shaky hands can see UFOs.
The best kind of laughter, is laughing so hard it's silent.
Fun fact: If you took the skin of an average person and laid it flat you would have enough to get a pretty serious criminal conviction.
Only people with video cameras and shaky hands can see UFOs.
I bought a new dog and named her G-Spot. Now I can't find her.
Whats up this video of a dude with a huge zit on the back of his neck going around facebook?.....I'd rather be stuck at the bottom of "Mike & Molly's" ass pile than have to watch some wonderlick pop a giganic tumor-like pustule!
If you want to take a bank teller out on a date, just ask her. Don't slip her a note at the window. Trust me on this.
Why I love winter: 1. Christmas morning with my kids 2. Snow 3. My wife keeps her clothes on during sex. 4. Liquor in my car stays cold
Hey guys whose girlfriends wear those giant t-shirts as nightgowns, one day you'll be married, and that shirt's going to fit her.
If abortion is murder, aren't comdoms kidnapping?
Friend: Whatcha eating? Me: alphabet soup. Friend: looks like spaghetti to me. Me: It's in Arabic
If you have a problem with me, text me. If you don't have my number than that means you don't know me well enough to have a problem with me.
If you have to question whether or not your behavior is acceptable, it's probably not.... and we should definitely hang out :)
A stupid man's report of what a clever man says can never be accurate, because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand
Nobody Dates Anymore, Everybody has a ``Thing" with someone
Just remember nobody's perfect...Cuz i'm sure even Mother Teresa blamed her fart on a kid or two...
Its makes me young again when I jack off with baby lotion..lol
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