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My favorite part of Thanksgiving is stuffing the turkey. By turkey I mean the hot cashier at the grocery store. 
I don't think I'll ever forgive the media for covering “Dancing with the Stars” like it's news.
Congrats on your move out to LA. Now your chances of becoming a big star are only 1:9,575,972,204,712.
That uneasy moment when you work at Subway and have to make a girl a sandwich.
"We... did... start the fire..." - Billy Joel on his deathbed
zombies can't smell vampires...
If going down on one knee is called Tebowing, then I guess dropping your pants and bending over is called being a US citizen!
Just wrote my rent check in hieroglyphics, that should delay things for a while.
4:55 am. Just got back from sneaking into all of your bedrooms and putting your hands in bowls of lukewarm water.
I'm currently seeking a corporate sponsor for my retirement.
To the person hacking up a lung in the cube next to me, will you do us all a favor and die already.
Before I get to my status update I just wanted to say I really can't stand people who think they are so perfect. The world doesn't revolve around you! Now on to my status, I can't believe how awesome I am. Who knew somebody could be so perfect!
Dora has taught me just enough Spanish to engage Spanish-speaking people in the worst conversation they've ever had
Throwing away a good relationship because of problems that can be worked out, is like throwing away a new car because of a flat tire
It's that time of year again where commercials remind me that I will probably never get a car with a bow on it
Laughing for 15 seconds adds 2 days to your life span. Therefore, I am immortal.
If your depressed about the world, remember that sea otters hold hands so they dont float away while sleeping
How come Italian's don't like Jehovah witnesses?They don't like any witnesses.
What do you get when you cross an Italian and a Pollack?A guy who makes you an offer you can't understand.
wife: "hunny, I want you to whisper dirty things in my ear" . . . husband: "kitchen, living room, dining room, bed room, should I keep going?" . . . 