Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   If you don't carry around empty Dunkin' Donut gift cards to give to cops to get out of tickets, you guys aren't trying hard enough.

   It seems that table salt does the complete opposite of bath salt. It sure woke this dead ass bologna sammich up! If I could only get the tomato to stop chewing on my lip...

   To give myself a break from being so sexy all the time, I like to sleep 'normal.'

   How the hell do ballet dancers spin around so much and not get dizzy? I spin around twice on my seat at work and I vomit in the trash can.

   The best way to make a long story short is to tell it on Twitter.

   A guy with a gun enters a bar. "Who the f*ck had sex with my wife?" he snarled. A voice was heard in the background, "You don't have enough bullets!"

   My boss reminds me of a caged bird. He comes out flapping and squawking, sh*ts on everything and leaves.

   Timex and Tampax should get together and invent something to let guys know its her time of the month.

   Before making your three wishes, make sure your genie has a good command of English. Unrelated: would anyone like to purchase a massive rooster, a bunch of wet, Brazilian cats and a large section of donkey?

   Whoever said Diamond are a girls best friend........Obviously never bought one a detachable showerhead.

   Honey, do you remember those days when we first met and you'd wake up and leave for a few days? Those were some GOOD times huh.....right.......hello? What did I say now?

   I need to quit time-traveling whilst drunk! I can't remember what I did tomorrow.

   I see you have a tribal tattoo, I didn't know Douchebag was a tribe.

   Don't you hate it when you brush your tongue then gag from going too far back!!? If no or n/a, please contact me, ASAP. Chics only, please. K thanks.

   I have a feeling if I was superhero, my name would be Sarcasmo.

   Of course I'm not going to delete you... but you did manage to post yourself into my f*ck off and ignore list!

   If this day had a face, it would be that of an evil clown laughing maniacally at me.

   Never hate your enemies. It affects your judgment.

   Being free is no guarantee of happiness, but if you're unhappy, at least it will be on your own terms rather than someone else's.

   People who walk on I-95 are so friendly. I've gone past 3 in the last hour and they all gave me the thumbs up.