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Hey guys whose girlfriends wear those giant t-shirts as nightgowns, one day you'll be married, and that shirt's going to fit her. 
If abortion is murder, aren't comdoms kidnapping?
Friend: Whatcha eating? Me: alphabet soup. Friend: looks like spaghetti to me. Me: It's in Arabic
If you have a problem with me, text me. If you don't have my number than that means you don't know me well enough to have a problem with me.
If you have to question whether or not your behavior is acceptable, it's probably not.... and we should definitely hang out :)
A stupid man's report of what a clever man says can never be accurate, because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand
Nobody Dates Anymore, Everybody has a ``Thing" with someone
Just remember nobody's perfect...Cuz i'm sure even Mother Teresa blamed her fart on a kid or two...
Its makes me young again when I jack off with baby lotion..lol
My wife has been worried about her weight...i told her to keep her chins up...
Kinda glad the "You Broke It, You Bought It" policy doesn't apply .to people
Never let on to your kids that the shower dramatically changes temperature when the toilet is flushes. Otherwise, you've just given them a new favorite pastime.
thinks I feel great when I go to bed drunk. I wake up feeling crap. Obviously sleep is bad for you!!!!
there any good boxers named mario? would love to see super mario fight pac man
You obviously dont know me very well. I'm smiling, and your not running...
I seen a New Cartoon on MTV, The opening line was a kid telling his mom she smelt like Balls and Old Spice. Epic moment
Dear Fox News, So far, no news about foxes. Sincerely, Unimpressed.
A Dang Owl outside won't shut up... It keeps asking me "WHO"... I've said Mike Jones like 30 times
Best part of living alone...clothing optional
I love the looks that can only be shared with you and another customer in a grocery line
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