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Madonna picked to sing at superbowl halftime, cause if its one thing guys like is an old woman singing lame songs they hated the first time they heard them 30 years ago 
Tiger Woods best finish in the last 2 years was a 69...go figure!
If you ever have the strangest sensation that I'm communicating with you telepathically, it's because I totally am!
Anti Depressants should be called 'Mirth Control.'
"You moved the headstones but you never moved the chicken bones!!" (Poultrygeist)
Little known fact: Pop-up ads are the result of that time the Internet got herpes.
When someone smells nice, it automatically makes them more attractive.
You like to sleep? Me too, lets do it together sometime.
We've wrapped cheap electric lights around our dead indoor tree and are ready for the guy to break into the house while we're sleeping!
I've got 98.998 problems and rounding up numbers is one of them.
Wearing a Santa hat is a great way let people know you're a wild card.
What if oxygen makes our voice really deep, and Helium just brings it back to normal?
Sometimes I look at my FB feed and think "If you spent less time b!tching about your life, you might actually enjoy it."
W.I.F.E - Will Investigate & Find out Everything
As a comedian, people don't care about you until you speak, then they like you. As a model it's the opposite.
Facebook seriously needs to start asking some people, “Are you SURE you want to post that stupidity?" before it allows them to update their status.
The words "Serious" and "Facebook" DO NOT go hand in hand. Please pack your feelings in a suitcase and travel back to wherever you where before you discovered Facebook.
Don't ask to use my Phone, and then start going through my photos, contacts, messages and call history, unless you want to meet God before I do.
Buy a ship. Name it relation. Sit in it. You are in a relationship.
Be the CEO of minding your own business.
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