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Friend 1: Guys my wife wants to have 3 kids cuz of the 3 musketeers. Friend 2: Well my wife wants to have 7 because of the 7 dwarfs. Me: Guys I gotta go... my wife was watching 101 dalmations.. 
I was so drunk last night when I got to the bottom of the stairs I took off my shoes, coat, top, pants and boxers as slowly as I could. I crept upstairs very quietly, it was only when I got to the top of the stairs I realised I was on the f*cking bus!
Got caught jerking off while sniffing my friends sister's panties yesterday.... Wouldn't have been so bad but she was still wearing them at the time. He went f*cking ballistic! Made the rest of her funeral very awkward for both of us.
Just saw 50/50 and now my lower back hurts............. I'm scared
If she's amazing, she won't be easy. If she's easy, she won't be amazing. If she's worth it, you won't give up. If you give up, you're not worthy
Boy: I wana fu*k you so hard right now. Girl:What?! Boy: Stupid autocorrect! Hey what you doin later? Girl: But, we're talking face to face.
My dad use to tell me stories about him and his buddies tipping outhouses in his day. Imagine taking a midnight stroll to the can, sitting there minding your own business with your flashlight reading popular mechanics and then "wham"...It's lights out...
OMG! Stop sending me that stupid birthday calendar request. My damn birthday is already on my profile, why do you need a backup!?!
life is too ironic to understand. It takes sadness to know what happiness is, Noise to appreciate silence, and absence to value presence.
Her: What did you buy me for my birthday? Him: You see that pink Mercedes over there? Her: Yessss??? Him: Well I brought you a toothbrush the same color.
What's the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?? The Hoover's got a dirtbag on the inside...
Daughter: Dad I'm a lesbian Dad: ok it's cool.. Second daughter: I'm also a lesbian Dad: Christ! Doesn't anyone in this family love c0ck? Son: I do!
I'm not saying we should kill all the stupid people in the world, I'm just saying we should remove the warning labels from everything and let the problem take care of itself.
If the person is ugly , you call them a stalker. If the person is goodlooking, you call them a secret admirer.
Going to start living like a dog...If I cant eat it or play with it....I will piss on it and walk away
Inspire others by inspiring yourself.
Who else still thinks they have super powers, but they just don't know how to activate them yet?
Some people might as well post ‘Wants Attention' as their Facebook status.
Deleting your Facebook is just like running away from home. Your're just doing it for attention and you'll be back in an hour or so..
It's amazing the places I will wander to in my house while I talk on the phone.
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