Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Whenever I hear a car alarm I'm like "Oh no! How can I help that person whose car is in distress? By rubbing poo on their door handle?"

   The bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range

   whenever I say the word "exercise", I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

   wth I go on google to see the eclipse .. I type in moon and get a bunch of as$ pics

   I used to think that the 2 separate things that irritated me most in life were: 1) Stupid People and 2) Traffic. That was until I witnessed stupid people driving in traffic, then it's HYSTERIA.

   I thought I'd join the neighbor hood watch but my neighbors aren't that attractive..

   Ever see one sneaker in the road? How does this happen? Does a jogger get home look down at their feet and say "Not again...lost another one"

   When cats and dogs finally rise up against us, the first thing they'll do is strap Santa hats to our heads and take pictures.

   One of my favorite things to do in my spare time is sneak into fancy restaurants and switch everyone's freshly brewed coffee with instant.

   This time of year when I order a Frosty at Wendy's I like to say "Not the snowman of course hahaha" and then things get a bit awkward.

   FYI: In the hip-hop community he's known as Li'l Drummer Boy.

   Did you know if you go into google search and type in "askew" the page will shift to the right? Go try it!

   Have you ever looked at your best friend and asked, "How the f*** are we not comedians?"

   any computer someone may have used to purchase you a gift. Tip 2: If you purchase gifts online, DELETE YOUR BROWSING HISTORY. That concludes today's lesson and tips.

   I always chase joggers with my car to motivate them. It's a thankless job....

   Help free the reindeer from sleighvery.

   You know who I can't stand? Flo from Progressive and Jared from Subway. I wish they'd hook up, then drive off a cliff while choking on a five dollar footlong.

   Its called Facebook people.. Not Show your body (that you still clearly need to work on) book!

   Someone should come up with a cell phone charger extention cord.

   "Do you like water?" 'Yes" "Nice, you already like 61.8% of me"