Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Bad News: On a test run last night, Santa was sucked into the engine of a Russian military jet & turned into red mist.

   I'd pay to see the New Kids on the Block/Backstreet Boys tour if they beat each other bloody with the members of N'Synch.

   I have a thing for girls who have a thing for guys with a thing.

   No clue when this weed I found in my bathroom drawer is from, but based on these intense cravings for an Orange Julius, I'd say 1988 or so.

   The Red Cross camr to my buddies door and asked if he wanted to contribute to the flood in Packastan .. He replied "sure but my garden hose only reaches to the driveway"

   When you say, "9 out of 10 forest fires are caused by humans," all I hear is, "There's a bear out there who knows how to use matches."

   "dora the explorer" it is a cartoon show of a hispanic girl who teaches english speaking children spanish.. I assume so they can communicate with coustomer service if needed..

   Just so we're all clear, "burning rubber" does not mean 2 minutes of safe sex.

   I'm at work and keep hitting ESC on my keyboard, but I'm still here....I think my keyboard is broken!!!!

   If there is a line of GAY people is it still a STRAIGHT line ?

   Don't you hate when you read someone's post that you usually find at least a little chuckle of humor in and not only is there no chuckle, it's not even insightful or clever and it's just entirely too long and the sentence runs on and on yet for some reaso

   My dog and I have the best conversations when I'm drunk.

   Behind every great musician, there is a great drug dealer.

   No honey you are not fat. You are just too sexy that it overflows.

   I have the ability to get wasted and function at the office appropriately the next day... it's my super power.

   It must have been very awkward for the guy who invented the tampon when he had to explain his invention to everyone else.

   Funny text messages to send! 1. Those innocent eyes, those kissable lips, that beautiful smile, that sexy voice.. anyway enough bout me, how are you;)?

   One leg in the past and one leg in the future means your pissing on the present....

   I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.

   the "ESC" button is NOt for teleportation. You will never escape.