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I am funny and I know it. 
Does anyone else remember when we bought boots at K-Mart, for 15 dollars, to wear when it snowed? Now they sell those same boots for 300 dollars and call them UGGs. . . .
Eating memory foam DOESN'T cure Alzheimer's? Well...it SHOULD
My ex was bisexual. I had to buy her stuff for her to become sexual.
Why were the first two guys in Superman so excited about seeing a bird or a plane?
Damn!! My glasses fell in the toilet, now I can't see for sh!t!
A salesman hugs a girl. GIRL: What the hell is this? SALESMAN: It is direct marketing. GIRL: *slaps him* SALESMAN: What was that? GIRL: A customer's feedback!
been married for 20 years and has sex almost every day....almost Monday, almost Tuesday, almost Wednesday.....
I'm not superstitious. Stitious, yes, but not in a heightened sense. I am, however, super lazy sometimes.
Why does it have to be believer versus atheist? Can't we all just look down on those astrology weirdo's?
I know today is starting out to be a bad day, even my Rice Krispies went SH*T,CRAP,AND F*CK .
Patients To An Indifferent Medical Staff At A Penile Implant Clinic: "Can't we all just get a long?"
F a New Years Resolution, I want another year to goof off.
If you can't afford a Doctor, go to an airport- you'll get a free xray and a breast exam and if you mention Al Qaeda , you'll get a free colonoscopy.
Note to self for when I'm ready to take over the world: Kiwi and corn in the same day turns a cute baby into a deadly environmental disaster.
National Sarcasm Society - Like we need your support...
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
When I can't get an automatic faucet to turn on, I achieve a whole new level of low self esteem.
My doctor drums up business by refusing to refill my prescriptions until I come in to sit in their waiting room full of people with the flu.
When I'm drunk I just hit any buttons and put my faith in autocorrect.
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