Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Love is blind but hate has perfect 20/20 vision.

   Everytime I notice some loser has deleted me for being totally awesome, I wish that the small Asian from "The Hangover" would pop up on their screen and scream, "Tooood-a-loooo muthaf$ckaaaaasss!"

   I just don't understand my next door neighbor. She keeps going on about how she'd love to be a contestant on a reality show, but she went mental when she found out I'd put cameras all over her house.

   Giving someone a trash bag full of yellow Starbursts is so much more fulfilling than saying "I hate you."

   Sociologists say that social media is creating the laziest generation. I expressed my opinion in great detail by hitting the "Like" button.

   I'm so sick and tired of my friends who can't handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me 3 times while carrying me to the car.

   My biggest fear is that I have already discovered time travel and I will bump into myself and spoil the surprise.

   I do the same thing after pumping gas that I do after sex... (Sniff my fingers)

   KIDS trust me when I say this: you are NOT missing out on anything if you were to take a nap.

   Nothing says "Love" like having a ShamWow tossed at your genitals after having sex.

   If you ask me, NASCAR would be much more entertaining if the drivers had had as much to drink as the fans.

   I disagree. Revenge is a dish best served so hot that it will burn your gizzards out.

   First time I ever saw a dry-erase board I said "that's remarkable."

   My whole world just disappeared. :( Is anyone else's notification icon missing???

   "Does my ass look big in this?" asked my wife as she twirled in front of the mirror...........Who knows where she got the sumo suit from.

   I ruined somebodys life today... They stole my identity.

   Mud, Dirt, Poop, Grease and crude oil baby! Okay, I'm done talking dirty... let's have sex....

   There is a special ceremony for marriage so I think there should be a special ceremony for divorce too. One could say, "With this fling, I thee unwed." And then the congregation can throw all the husband's stuff at him as he walks out of the church.

   Just posted a hundred Father's Day cards, signed 'Your Secret Lovechild' to all the men in my neighborhood. Now all I have to do is hire a bus and pay a visit to the local orphanage to set Stage 2 of my plan into motion...

   My ex called me today. I told her she was on my mind a lot today. She thought it was sweet, really though it's trash day here.