Hot Tea Funny Status Messages

   thinking of practicing random acts. Curb your excitement and hold your applause, I never said they were going to be "of kindness"...just random.

   I am doing a hook rug of Bart Simpson. I REFUSE to use black and yellow. (Pittsburgh SUCKS!) Instead I am using Brown and Orange. (Die hard BROWNS fan!) Bart is ending up looking like Snookie.

   finally finished ALL of my laundry. Now, I just have to sweep it's ashes out of the fireplace.

   pretty sure I just ate a record setting amount of Rice Krispies!

   If I ever kick the bucket, can I get one of you to wipe out my computer and empty the top drawer next to my bed?

   It really sucks when your in the middle of something and your batteries go dead.

   I have so many "get into heaven points" from so many people "praying for me" to "save my soul" that I can safely cause hell on earth.

   The difference between a grizzly and a brown bear? Climb a tree. If the bear climbs after you, its a brown bear. If it knocks the tree down, its a grizzly.

   For those of you whose New Years Resolution is to lose weight. There is one simple diet that works. It is, as follows: If it tastes good - spit it out.

   It's funny to me when people say all blondes are dumb because not all guys are blondes!?!?!

   Apparently riding the dog like it's a small horse is FROWNED UPON in this ESTABLISHMENT!

   Yes Officer, I do know why you pulled me over. To single-handedly destroy any chance I had of accomplishing my New Years Resolution goal of becoming a Saint before the sun even came up this morning.

   It's 2011. You'd think we'd have a toothpaste that doesn't ruin orange juice by now.

   The nighttime, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy head, fever so I can rest medicine didn't work. I'm going to try 1 bourbon, 1 scotch and 1 beer instead.

   Does anyone know the over under on people getting trampled to death at the Great Wal-Mart of China next week?

   The combination of wet-phlegm laryngitis and requesting Mucinex D from the pharmacist produced comedic results that cannot be cleanly reproduced on Facebook.

   Veteran: Someone that wants to choke the crap out of the punk in front of you for not taking his hat off during the National Anthem. Someone that still gets queasy around dehydrated food. Someone that has to use all their might to not tear up during "Taps

   DEFENITION: Jagermeister - Irreversable decisions in a bottle.

   Sometimes, the problem is your underwear.

   If you're not with me, you're against me!! And, if you're against me...well, hello there!! ;)