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Forget Vi@gra. They need to invent a pill that'll make a girl like me for four hours. 
Dear fake profile with bikini pics that just friend requested me: 1. I have a great memory for hot chicks; I don't know you. 2. 52 of our "mutual friends" are idiots. 3.They're all guys......color me surprised.
ATTENTION LADIES!, If he only wants your breasts, legs, and thighs; Send him to KFC;
I just read a news article with the headline "Woman beats off rapist" and I thought, "Well, that seems like a reasonable compromise...."
Fellas: She exercises with a Shake Weight to perfect her hand job, marry her
When playing Modern Warfare 3 video game, is the menu suppose to…okay, I guess by now the girls have stopped reading. So fellas, any of you out there get nervous when make up sex starts with a BJ?
I'm like a newborn baby when I wake up with a hangover. Unaware of my surroundings, sensitive to light and covered in God knows what.
The guy that thought of wrapping other food items in bacon deserves an award.
UHHHHHHHH!!!.....UHHHHHHHH!!!!.....UHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!....UHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! Oh, sorry; just playing tennis with myself.
When I was a kid, I remember trying to stay up all night until the sun came up was such a challenge and so cool. Now its almost a ritual and dreaded.
thinks peeple hoo dont no how to spel shuldnt make up status's for da hole wurld to see.
The Allstate guy doesn't count as a black friend.
The #1 song when you were born is a great idea, however, if they came out with an app that gave the #1 song when you died, I think I would stop listening to music
HAPPY HOUR - Where the worst selling and nastiest tasting alcoholic beverages are sold for half price to a bunch of alcoholics too drunk to notice.
when you have a fat friend, there are no seesaws..only catapults
Ignores phone call* -Text them- “You called me?”
PROFILE PICTURES: What people want other people to think they look like. TAGGED PICTURES: What they actually look like.
Ever drive somewhere, completely zoned out, and wonder, ‘How the heck did I just get here?' Then start freaking out about how many red lights you must have ran. Yeah, happens all the time.
Sunglasses allow an individual to stare at people without them knowing. It is Facebook in real life
I know I'll be a good father. I've had my iPhone for over 6 months now and I've only dropped it 182 times so far. 