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What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull. 
Putting sandbags around my toilet in preparation for tomorrow.
I'm one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Will all the mourners outside Whitney Houston's home please form a line......it's what she would have wanted.
I'm convinced. Some peoples' brains are still on dial-up.
Sometimes I like to take the bus instead of drive its because there aren't usually 9 hot mexicans in my car.
"It's complicated" is Facebook for "he's not hittin' it right."
that moment when you step into your car after work and unleash the thousands of farts you've been holding in all day
I bet Martin Luther King hit the snooze button like 40 times to try & get back to his awesome dream.
No but seriously if you are still posting pics of what you got for Valentines you do know you are the other chick right?
Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
One goldfish says to the other, "If there's no God, who changes our water every week?"
That moment of epic sadness when you shut down the computer and then you realize that you need it again.
Saw a field of baby antelopes hatch from their cantaloupes last night, So magical........
Heads up Army Corps of Engineers: I just introduced something to the sewer system you may be dealing with shortly.
After just 3 min. of reading a MAXIM in a waiting room, I grew a thick goatee & told a nurse to "Make me a damn sandwich."
That moment when you leave your facebook up around your friends when you get a msg, friend request, and a few notifications to make it look like your popular
Last night my wife and I had a dinner party. About Halfway through it, I decided to walk the dog. My wife went mental and told me to grow up and stop doing tricks with my yoyo.
Bi$ch please, I can wipe 90 percent of you're so called "BEAUTY" off with a freaking towel!
If your wife totally let's herself go and looks nothing like when you dated her, you should be allowed to divorce her.
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