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INTERNET: Can't get your homework done with it, can't get your homework done without it. 
It's scary to think nothing can kill that 0.01% germ.
for fun text the last person you slept with and say "im pregnant, dont worry I'll contact Maury for us"
going to the bar horny is like going grocery shopping on an empty stomach, you always come home with more than you needed
Young guys with beards are always secretly sad when you talk to them & don't compliment their beard.
whenever your bored send this text to a random number.. "I hid the body."
Surround yourself only by people who are going to lift you higher!
When I see insane people on the street talking to themselves I want to tell them about Twitter.
i'm thinking of becoming a gynecologist....i hear there's plenty of openings
Every cell in our body is replaced in 7 yrs; so, if you're married 7+ years, your spouse “isn't the person you married.”
i alone am responsible for global warming...i bought a snow mobile this summer, it will never snow again
wtf? the side effects of my script includes all my symptoms, how am I gonna know if its working?
I've been told I speak fluent sexual innuendo.
brains are like modems....some people can think fast like they are high speed internet....some ppl are slow thinkers like they are dial-up....other ppl have lost connection
I don't like what this diet is doing to my relationship with pie.
How nice would it be if when you started rubbing yourself a genie came out, finished you off, cleaned you up & left a chocolate chip cookie.
I haven't had secks in so long, I've even forgotten how to spell it.
If you ask me to take my shoes off when I enter your house, I will go above & beyond & strip full naked because I'm a terrific guest.
I only need to learn that one yoga pose where I can tweet from a public bathroom without bare skin touching anything.
If you were born in 1994 or earlier it's legal for me to see you naked.
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