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I will never be brave enough to be a Navy Seal or one of those people who buy things supposedly edible in 99 Cent Only Stores 
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that's called lunar assault & it isn't funny
Tattoos are like cats. You get one, then you have to get another, then you get more and more until you have to get rid of them using lasers.
Apparently, I can't say "Blak paint!" any more. I have to be PC and say, "Please paint that wall, Leroy."
if 10% is good enough for God is should definitely be good enough for the IRS!
Never trust someone that has 0 text messages in their phone.
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he's naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
Just got back from Sam's Club - got a great new electric piano, 19 pack of BBQ lighters, and an impulse kayak - damn forgot milk!
As I've gotten older, my answer to any problem, more and more, is "burn it down".
PSA: My patience today is about as thin as my oldest pair of panties. If you are stupid please stay away from me.
I wish my dog owned stuff so I could pee on it and ruin it to show him how it feels.
When the cop asked me to recite the ABC's I did it perfectly... He didn't particularly care for the "next time won't you sing with me" part though.
Sitting on the toilet growing a tail.
Sometimes I wish animals could talk....then I remember all the things my cats have seen me do when I'm alone and I'm very grateful they can't.
My kids got in a fist fight while playing one of those claw machines at the pizza joint & sh@t like that is why I'm never sober.
Sometimes I feel like I'm possessed by an old Jewish lady. Especially when paying for something.
Wish I was rich enough to own a room full of bees & if someone upset me I could order my muscular butler to "Take them to the Bee Room!"
In Canada, we don't divorce due to "irreconcilable differences" we just call it "liking different hockey teams"
Jeremy Lin is no flash in the Moo goo gai pan.
Dear Sharks: You may get your own week on TV, but house cats get their own eternity on the internet. 