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jus submitted my mo ped for a pimp my ride episode..tassles on my handlebars would be AWESOME 
For Mardi Gras i'm giving up beads.
APPY MARDI GRAS! May your every slice of King cake have a little bitty baby in it, may your good times roll and may your parade be never ending. Now where are my beads???
With the current "obese" status of our nation, today should be called #FatterTuesday...
Remember when scientists said that smoking weed made your sperm lazy? And we wonder why we cant get our kids off the couch or out from in front of the X-box.
Never respond to everything a fool may say about you.. it makes you look as fool as them! However, ignore them and the fool will go away... it makes you happy and they be upset
pretty sad that the only thing that goes down on you is your bank balance
Today was so horrible I want to buy a picture of Calvin peeing on it to put on my vehicle.
I'm a walking economy. My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and the combination of these factors is putting me into a deep depression.
There are those of us here in Central FL that don't care about the Daytona 500...or as I like to call it, The Redneck Equivalent Of The Royal Wedding.
Have you ever laughed so hard that no sound comes out and you sit there clapping your hands like a retarded seal?
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.”
Fat Tuesday...or as we call it, 25 days till St Patricks Day
Pancake Day already? That's crêped up on us.
I think aussies were the first to jerk off into a sock. How else would they come up with the boomerang?
For Lent, I'm giving up beer for vodka.
You're darn tootin'!" - cowpoke complaining about flatulence.
"I'm gonna need to crunch some numbers" is a good answer to any question when you've zoned out and aren't sure what they said
There were a lot of Presidents day sales today, Mitt Romney was confused he thought the presidency was actually for sale today...
I gave my kid a happy meal, but it's not working, 