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just found out Whitney Houston is guest starring on an episode of The Walking Dead, man I'm excited! 
when your a smoker, everyday is ash wednesday
If He-Man had the power of Grayskull, how come he had such a crappy haircut?
Wanna ruin a girl's day? Respond to her next text with "Who is this?"
A funny thing would be to dress up as a vampire, go to a blood bank, and ask when happy hour starts.
Some people are so lazy, they would actually quit having sex if someone just told them its a good form of exercise
reached an ALL TIME LOW. Just told my boss he had some dirt on his forehead... Thank You Ash Wednesday.
Saw an unbelievable photo essay of teens being starved and put to work outdoors, but it turned out to be an Urban Outfitters catalog.
Too many girls put me in the friends zone, I've got to take myself out. Its not going to be a safe haven to long. "The friend zone: where good soldiers go to die."
So many ugly watches, not enough time!
I tested positive for poppy seeds in my system. I blame the cocaine bagel I had for breakfast.
I'll stop at nothing for a moving violation.
I wonder what they talk about in water cooler factories?
got a wedding invitation, the bride n groom are registered at US Tractor Supply... I bet the reception is gonna rock
I dont know what all the hype is about with "Words with friends" and why everyone has to label it something different..... I just call it "Talking"
A week ago, I really hated people...today I just found out I was cooking them wrong ;)
Longest minutes ever: 1. Waiting on a text 2. Waiting on your food to get out the microwave 3. Commercial while watching a good show.
I want that "Damn you are still together?" Relationship!
When the creator of photoshop dies.. All you girls gone go back to being UGLY..
FACT: Relationships last longer when everybody doesnt know your business 