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Mom: you're all dressed up, where are you going? Daughter: To the bathroom, I need a new facebook picture. 
I'm on a quest around the world to find Bigfoot. I'd originally set out to find cheap gas, but I decided to keep my goals realistic
We Found Love in a Swollen Face - Chris Brown ft. Rihanna
A clever horse needs only one touch of the whip...unless it's into that sort of thing.
I had this one night stand, and the next morning I felt so guilty I bought another one for the other side of the bed.
What's big, red, and looks like a bucket? A big red bucket.
"Would you like some tea?"..... "No".... ANARCHY IN THE UK
Nice guys don't finish last, they finish by themselves in front of the computer.
We have a robot that shoots lasers, they have a fruit. I think androids win.
People who don't like their beliefs being laughed at shouldn't have such funny beliefs.
Dear 12 year old on Facebook, how are you in a complicated relationship? Did someone steal your cookies?
"JESUS CHRIST... HOW BOUT YOU MAKE SOMETHING ELSE BESIDES PANCAKES FOR DINNER FOR ONCE!!!!" - Aunt Jemima's nieces and nephews.
"Going commando" can refer to not wearing underpants, rescuing Alyssa Milano from terrorists, or preferably both at once.
The only thing I don't like about my job is that it doesn't involve wearing a whistle around my neck at all times.
A fun thing to do when leaving the Zoo, is too start frantically running and yelling "OMG they've all escaped!"
Email your friends and say "call me at this number ASAP. 12024561414" it's the number to the white house
"Its a boy!" I shouted, as I ran from the brothel in Thailand......
I need to get a gun rack for the work truck to hold two things important in my life right now...job prints and my fishing pole.
Among words that sound dirty but aren't, I think "kumquat" is my favorite.
I have just found out that yelling "I'm gonna scissor you!" at someone isn't as threatening as I first thought...
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