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I want a girlfriend born on 29 February. Think of all the money I will save on birthdays. 
i'd like to get a job at the phone company. they get to choose the phone numbers ppl get. if an ex comes in, give her a number with the last 4 digits spelling WIDE or UGLY & let her be stuck with that number
Wow...I spend good money on a fencing class and all the while I was hammering nails this dude kept poking me with a sword... I so wanted to slap that bee mask right off his head...
Subway: Where women make sandwiches for men without complaining.
I got stopped by a lady doing a survey today. She said, "What household chore annoys you the most?" I said, "Having to turn down the telly to tell my wife to do the hoovering."
When a girl is in love, she offers sex. when a guy wants sex, he offers love.
Why did they introduce women into the police force? To keep the streets clean
I'm having a problem with sexual harassment at work. There isn't any.
Who makes the sandwiches in a lesbian relationship? Neither, they both eat out
Her: "Ugh! Let me tell you about m......" Me: "Is my zipper down?" Her: ".....no..." Me: "Then why is your mouth open?
"Have fun" is just a nicer phrase for "have a horrible time without me."
If I go on a cruise, I'm sleeping in the lifeboat area
People who email you Spam...Email them Porn! Problem solved ;)
Breakfast with Obama: $38,000. 4 Years Of Political Favors: Priceless.
Say a prayer for Sparky, I just ate Taco Bell.
there's always......."truth" behind "JK"... Emotion behind "I DONT CARE"... Pain behind "IT'S OK" & "I need you" behind "LEAVE ME ALONE"......
febreeze- because your house smells like weed and your parents will be home any minute.
Back before Walmart, you used to have to buy a ticket to see a bearded woman.
Just trying to see who reads my post. Describe me using only your Facebook password....
If you put a finger in your ear and scratch, it sounds like Pacman.
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