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The world is a stage. I failed the audition. Now I sit in the audience, and they call me a cynic. 
Sometimes I just want to tell someone "You should play catch with lawn darts."
Snookie pregnant? Congrats to the NY Jets. In other news, the Mayans may be right ...
Folger's lied... There is no "best part of waking up", no matter what you put in my cup!
Snooki pregnant?! that baby is gonna come out with a vodka bottle in one hand and a self tanning spray bottle in the other! my advice : cut the cord and run lil dude! RUN!!
Two beer or not two beer--Shakesbeer
♫ SHOUT…SHOUT, type it all out! These are the things I can blog about. So log on… I'm linking to you… Log on. ♫ (
I don't mind people sneezing in public. It's that "Pre-sneeze face" they make that scares the hell out of me.
Normal person flirting: "Hey, you're really cute".....Me:"Your face, I like that shxT!"
I fart, why..because it's the only gas I can afford.
No Xvideos, I would not like to share this video with friends and family on Facebook.
Herpes is just a contagious pimple. It's not like other stds, like kids or something.
Voice text to boss ..i wont be in tomorrow in bed with nasty cold.. What he gets .. I wont be in tomorrow in bed with sexy clown..thanx Android..!!
That little girl has already made more money than all of us and banged hotter chicks. good on her
I can't wait till march 4th, it's my favorite day because when people ask me what the date is it's like I'm sending them into battle.
My little girl is an adult now! Happy 18th Birthday Justin Bieber. :)
When I get rich, I'm going to open a restaurant called I dont knows.. Every couple will be there!.
I miss being the age when I thought I would have my sh!t together by the age I am now.
The best tasting thing at Whole Foods is not nearly as good as the worst tasting thing at Dunkin' Donuts.
If you ask for one of my fries, sure, I'll give you one. But don't think for a minute that I'm not FURIOUS about it.
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