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I'm hungry .......I really need to hire a wife. 
The best part of wakin up!!!!,,, issss marijuana in your lungs!!!!!
Best childhood memory? Falling asleep on the couch, then waking up in your bed the next morning..
"faithbook" -Mike Tyson "Racebook?" -Scooby Doo "....." -Whitney Houston
I tried grilling a chicken at lunchtime. "Right, I'll ask you one more time. Why did you cross the road?"
I wonder if Asian people put smileys like this ¦)
Male bats have the highest rate of homosexuality than any other mammal. Well, that explains Edward.
My boyfriend thought I was great, but after nosing through my underwear drawer and finding a nurse uniform, a french maid outfit and a police woman uniform, he dumped me saying, "It's obvious, you can't hold down a job."
I was enjoying my shower...until the Home Depot manager opened the curtains... then it turned awkward!
My girlfriend is a porn star. She is going to be so pissed off when she finds out.....
There is a new wing in the Denver hospital named after famous skier Picabo Street. ...It's the Picabo ICU.
I wish people would stop mocking my fat friend. She's got enough on her plate.
Sharks kill about 5 people yearly, vending machines kill 23. Do I really want that bag of Doritos?
An old lady at the park said to me today, "I see your dog's fetching balls."I said, "I know he has but, at your age, you shouldn't really be looking."
Imagine how many more YouTube hits that "Kony 2012" video would have had if they had included a cat with his head stuck in a paper bag.
You're so old your idea of going out on a Friday night is taking a walk to the outhouse.
The ONLY reason I haven't unfriended you yet is because you have huge boobs and I have a feeling that I would miss seeing them.
excuse my french but when a hot girl tells me "voulez vous coucher avec moi" I turn very "gay"!
I tried it & it worked! It gived me your mothers address
To all the people claiming how much better the android is then the iPhone id like to see you ask your android "where da hoes at!?" and get a response like "there are 3 amount of strip clubs near by. 