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My relationship with vodka has been on the rocks, but it just accepted my friend request, neat! 
Am I the only one who thought of chicks with flat asses when they saw "Happy National Pancake Day"?
When someone dies I never know what to say, but I think about all the horrible things I shouldn't say and hold them in.
"Don't judge me" means "read my Facebook profile but don't look at the pictures."
Teenage girls usually get upset after discovering they are pregnant, so I console them. "Your boobs will get bigger!"
Things I don't like: 1) Probably you. 2) Cold coffee. 3) Small talk. 4) Mondays. 5) Having small talk with you on a Monday while my coffee is getting cold.
it just me, or are women really negative? It's always "No, no, no!" with them.
I would take Eddie Money's second ticket to paradise, then hope we're not seated together.
My girlfriend's baby is now two weeks late, so we're going to call it "Bieber." It just doesn't want to come out.
I'm pretty sure country music singers are all just the same guy wearing different hats.
Quote from the movie Project X..."That guys so old he probably graduated in 1986"..ouch .I'm frickin Dinosaur...
"My missus thinks I've got herpes. I think she should F**k off and get her own peas.
I'm not a bank but I can tell you that I have 0% interest in what you're saying right now.
You are not a "stay at home mom". If you were, then that means you never leave the house. Just say you are an unemployed mom. That makes sense and its not an insult.
Girls don't understand that waking up is usually the 2nd hardest thing in the morning.
Weird to think we're just sixteen years away from Snooki being a grandmother.
Sometimes, when I don't want anyone to talk to me, I stand on a busy street corner with a clip board.
What kind of children go to heaven? Dead ones.
My GF's an adult film actress .She's going to be furious when she finds out!
Angelina Jolie is so malnourished, that Madonna is going to adopt her.
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