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facebook, where a bathroom shot of a duckface is considered 'hot' 
ahhh..st. patricks day, when you can eat lucky charms dowsed in beer and everyone thinks..great idea!
spring is just around the corner, the bums are migrating back up north.
you know you're getting old when you're nuts are now referred to as "yams"
Well, it's easy to tell I'm married. It's Friday night and I'm at home updating my facebook status...
Hmmm...THAT wasn't EXACTLY what I had in mind when I'd imagined George Clooney in handcuffs! (LOL!) ♥
The legend goes that St. Danica Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland.....must be hard to put all the tiny seat belts on all the snakes.
I'm waiting for Joseph Kony to make a YouTube video advocating against jerking off in public.
Mosquitoes are just vampire flies.
Marijuana is the gateway drug to a very large value meal.
I GOT ALL KINDS OF B1TCHES!!! German shepards, chihuahuas, dobermans, poodles...
Won the yearly food fight today.. No one was matched for me and my canned peas.
I was violently beating this guy with a club when I realized, "I can find a better weapon than this stupid poker card"
I am not saying I hate you or anything but if you were ever badly hurt and I had the only phone to call you an ambulance I would order pizza delivery first.
"K?” Get back to me when you learn the rest of the alphabet.
Checking friendship to see if this person ever wished me a happy birthday. No. Screw them.
Even though it will mean the loss of 1-2 inches in height, some of you should seriously consider the Ped Egg..
Countries should have to declare thumb war before declaring actual war
Poured down rain last night...I think instead of a fish fry sandwich today, I am going to have worm stew...that counts, right?
8.Excuse me, miss, you've got a little bit of face on your makeup there... 