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I saw a sign at the coffee shop today 'experienced bakers needed, inquire within' .....my dream come true. 420 
I can't believe my girlfriend called me a two-timer....That's a lie! I've cheated on her hundreds of times.
Women like wrapping paper because it's like clothing for gifts. And you know how women be liking clothing and gifts
Why haven't we invented a bowl made of meat? Without it, the gravy on my salad just seems weird.
I bet globes hate google map's guts
Telling somebody you love them is like telling them your dream from last night. You can explain all you want. They'll never understand.
Remember, over half of all cases of people wrecking themselves happen within five minutes of not checking themselves.
When someone says "everything happens for a reason" I'd like to smack them and say "yeah, I guess you're right"
today is national "Repeat Game" Day...you can start with your boss :)
You know the oxygen masks on airplanes? I don't think there's really any oxygen. I think they're just to muffle the screams.
saw a vegetarian eating a banana. I asked her how would she like it if her skin was ripped off and she was eaten alive.
A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.
Better to be slapped with the truth than kissed with a lie
Its the love of money thats the root of all evil you retard get your facts straight..
Besides me & Bryan Adams who else remembers the summer of 69 ?
its not easy talkin to someone with a zit thats about to blow
my speedo disappeared under my belly, I look naked....decisions, decisions, either stop swimmin or diet..yeah, no swimming this yr
just set my alarm for 2013, this year already sucks
money is the root of all evil, until the collection plate comes around
not sure I trust my Dr. he seems ok..except for his big red porous gin blossum nose. 