Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   My wife and I like to play this little game where we both see something that needs to be put away, but we leave it out to see how long it takes the other one to do it. She doesn't seem to enjoy it as much as I do.

   Pictures of the Queen naked....Oooops! This isn't Google.....

   still crying 12 hours after putting his contact lenses. Never gonna eat Jalapenos with my hands again.

   I was enjoying a good sleep today when I was rudely woken by a bloody salesman."Sir..." "Look," I said, "I'm not interested, I'm actually trying to sleep." "Sir, are you going to buy the bed or not?"

   A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

   I'm takin' the fact that I have one neighbor who doesn't wave at me.. as a sign that she likes bags of flamin' dog poop on her porch.

   Don't worry, guys, Tebow is being traded for our sins.

   If I have offended you, hurt you, belittled you in any manner, then I want you to know that I was only just getting started.

   Spring is finally here! Spring Cleaning or Spring Break partying.. the choice is pretty obvious. These shelves aren't going to dust themselves!

   If you are arrogant enough to assume that I know what is going on in your life because I read every single one of your Facebook status updates, I probably hid you a long time ago.

   I don't want you charity unless your charity is bacon and then I will take it.

   I believe that there will be a war of the sexes one day and the male leader will rally his troops for battle by riding through the ranks shouting, "REMEMBER THE ALIMONYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!

   Stupid people have it made.. Nobody expects anything from them and when they do something right people act like they cured cancer...

   The only reason that I haven't yelled at anyone yet is because I am reserving my energy for a slapping spree...

   I like to think that people that unfriend me wake up months later regretting that irreversible and life altering decision.

   When I was in high school my girlfriend's dad got angry that I took her virginity. I said "Sorry, it won't happen again."

   It doesn't take much to make a woman happy, but it takes even less to make her mad.

   I've got some Spring in my step for an energetic foot up your ass! ~ Happy First Day of Spring!

   I love the word "Allegedly". You can make up anything about anyone without any reprisal... allegedly.

   Must've been hard to hear Viet Cong sneaking up on you, what with Creedence always blasting.