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Turning an ordinary salad into a 7000-calorie cholesterol bomb is my superpower. 
Perfect weather for a little gardening outside. Now if I can just find my Mangroomer.
Dick Cheney underwent a heart transplant operation??? Wow! That proves he did have heart in the first place...
Went on a scavenger hunt. Bagged six scavengers.
I think it'd be cool if they put up a statue of me in a park where I'm shirtless and carving a statue of myself.
Going on a walk. Like some kind of freakin' car-less hippie moron.
You haven't truly won an argument until the other person says "whatever."
Bills are like pubes; better when you don't have any.
Family that smokes together is called a JOINT Family
Whatever happens, Never agree to teach a girl how to ride a bike with her father watching..
<--- *punches the air like Cuba Gooding*
Judging by the disproportionate size of Popeye's forearms, I'm guessing Olive Oyl didn't put out much.
Waiting for the day when a girl finally says that I'm "the one," but isn't talking to a police officer.
On the off chance I'm captured by cannibals, I've got a 'Best if eaten by 1975' tattoo on my neck.
I have a horrible sleeping disorder where I have to wake up every morning and go to work.
I'm more confused than a homeless person on house arrest.
I will be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti, and a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
"Fight fire with fire" - unequivocally the worst advice I have ever received. My house just burned even faster.
Hey Alanis Morissette! Getting a girl pregnant on a "pull-out" couch. That's IRONIC.
When I die, I want to be thrown out of a plane over the ocean wearing a superman costume. 