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"WANTED" - Meaningful Overnight Relationship, please inbox for details...... 
What do you give the man that has everything?'' ''Normally the middle finger, sometimes both...
A guy fills his Blow-up doll with Helium by accident. Now the b*tch is playing hard to get
One of the biggest lies ever: The doctor will be with you in a couple of minutes.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at a floor and think, 'I'd tap that.'
The first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.
Just place a STUDENT DRIVER sticker on top of your car, and suddenly no one suspects you of drunk driving at 8am.
Marriage is the opposite of prison; the better you behave, the longer your sentence.
You know you're getting old when the kids on the train think your 56k modem dial-up ringtone must be the new song by Skrillex,
Went into my laundry room this morning where I have 4 bins segregated into Whites, Colours, Blacks, and Tans. Come on Whirlpool! Can't we live in a world where all laundry is created equal?
I'm great in bed, I can sleep for days!
torn between the options of a two hour walk or a two hour bath...
I think I'm losing my mind but nobody can tell the differance
Hopes her status is now fixed so she can back to her false reality that she is popular;)
i guess "Russell Brand's" upcoming movie will be called "forgetting katy perry"j.G
"I just want to sit on your Face" ~ is that being to forward?
One surefire way to get into a chick's pants is to point at a flower & be like "Look how fuckin' pretty that is."
I love the beach but I hate watching the Tide go out…It reminds me of my receding Hairline.
I could never be a hardcore gangsta rapper because there's probably a limit to how much you can enjoy a scone in public.
I'm so blessed that I'm not the type of person who says "I'm so blessed." 