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If you really want to go green, start using BOTH sides of your toilet paper. 
The closest that I've gotten to murder: Holding Oreos under the milk until the bubbles stop
Didn we all love Kinder... where the hardest decision was picking a crayon
I'd like to beat the life out of someone with a violin. That way I could be described as having been instrumental in their death
Attention to all the homeless, it is a very bad time to ask me if I have any "spare change" when I'm pumping 4 dollar a gallon gas into my car.
Ladies, Summer's Eve just announced a new douche infused with THC, anti-perspirant, and KFC... It leaves you fresh, high, dry, and finger lickin' good!
I can't get a mobile signal in my village, yet terrorists have no problem sending videos from caves. Is there a special terrorist tariff?
Women who brag about multi-tasking should chill out. There is nothing cool about doing 3 things wrong at once!
I hate those unrealistic movies...you know, the ones where men are friends with women.
A scientific study says that we should sleep 9 hours a day... but personally I think we should sleep for 9 hours in a night too.
Guy gets arrested for smuggling cocaine into America. Next week, another guy arrested for smuggling it out. Do they want the stuff or not?
A cop pulled me over and said "I need your license, I need your insurance and I need your registration!" I said "What about ME & my NEEDS!?"
Am I allowed to see the Hunger Games on a full stomach?
Being a Care Bear must be exhausting. How can anything care so much about everything? It's not possible!
I want to start an electric company called Grayskull so that millions of homes can be run by the power of Grayskull.
What's the point of having nice boobs if you're going to cover them up? Stop being so greedy and unbutton your shirt like I do.
Only ghetto people go to a family party, complain about the food and STILL take 3 plates home.
HoodTranslations101: "Sh*t just got real" = The situation has escalated to the highest point of seriousness & is no longer a laughin matter
If you are the winner of Friday's $500 million Mega Millions jackpot can receive the winnings in one lump sum, yearly installments, or one tank of gas.
Dear M.Jordan please start making condoms. So these n*gas will start wearing them..... 