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When women ask for your opinion what they really want to hear is their opinion, but in a deeper voice. 
"Ladies and gentlemen, can I please have your attention. I've just been handed an urgent and horrifying news story. I need all of you to stop what you're doing and listen..." Anchorman gets a sequel!
I've got Alexander Graham Bells telephone number....... 1-
I have just hired 2 private investigators to follow each other..... Let the games begin.
There's a new #Aerosmith album coming out, so call your grandma she'll be excited.
If you're going to carry on a cellphone conversation in the men's room you can count on me to make HORRIBLE noises and flush every two seconds.
My wife just accused me of being big-headed and thinking I was better than I was. I nearly fell off my throne.
Don't assume I have a bad memory if I don't remember what you tell me. More than likely its becasue I don't like you enough to pay attention.
Just came from the doctor. Got high score on the blood pressure machine. Doctor wouldn't high five me. Jerk.
denied black olives on my white bread, while wearing a hoodie. I am declaring racial profiling!
I invented a new sexual position called "The Republican" where I screw poor people.
I used to be a man trapped in a woman's body... Then I was born and that ended that fiasco.
Spike Lee's next movie should be named "Do the Wrong Thing".
Always change the channel before turning off the TV because expkauning the Playboy Channel and why two girls are kissing is hard at 7am
I need a spring loaded bed so if I don't want to get up, it will just throw me out of it.
I woke up this morning and tried to look at the bright side, but it is too bright, I need my sunglasses.
If I have ever hurt you, angered you or offended you in any way... then Mission Fuccomplished, ain't it?
My girlfriend's phone space button is broken and she text me phonebrokenIwantanalternate I'm excited, but what is a ternate?
Judging by the fact that it is never happy with it's appearance and is always making cosmetic changes no matter how many times it is told it looks fine, I can only conclude that facebook is female.
Apparently men think about sex every seven seconds. Luckily I wrote this in sex. 