Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I'm at the bank depositing my nickel and dime bags... I told them I'll be back later with my papers... to open a joint account. :)

   "Spike Lee tweets wrong address forcing elderly couple out of their home!" Nice going Dum A$$!

   Dear sleep, I know we had our problems when I was young... but I love you now.

   I'm having an identity crisis... I can't afford to be me... Can I be you? You're cheaper.

   This morning when I awoke I rolled over, smiled at the beauty that was there beside me , gazed into those beautiful brown eyes and said, "Good Morning Sexy." I knew it was a good idea to install that mirror by the bed.

   I don't understand why Aardvarks are so special to the Muslims in the middle east.

   You're welcome. Not sure what for yet, but I'm bound to say something awesome that'll make your day sooner or later.

   I am going shopping today. Well, I don't wanna go but this girl I'm stalking is on her way there so I have no choice.

   #1 thing to do today: Run into a store and ask what year it is. When someone answers, yell "It worked!!!" and run out cheering.

   S.I.N.G.L.E. = (S)tress (I)s (N)ow (G)one (L)ife's (E)asier

   "WANTED" - Meaningful Overnight Relationship, please inbox for details......

   What do you give the man that has everything?'' ''Normally the middle finger, sometimes both...

   A guy fills his Blow-up doll with Helium by accident. Now the b*tch is playing hard to get

   One of the biggest lies ever: The doctor will be with you in a couple of minutes.

   I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at a floor and think, 'I'd tap that.'

   The first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.

   Just place a STUDENT DRIVER sticker on top of your car, and suddenly no one suspects you of drunk driving at 8am.

   Marriage is the opposite of prison; the better you behave, the longer your sentence.

   You know you're getting old when the kids on the train think your 56k modem dial-up ringtone must be the new song by Skrillex,

   Went into my laundry room this morning where I have 4 bins segregated into Whites, Colours, Blacks, and Tans. Come on Whirlpool! Can't we live in a world where all laundry is created equal?