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If anyone lost a roll of hundred dollar bills, with a rubber band around it...... I found the rubber band. 
When talking with a woman in her 30s, it's super important to always pretend to be shocked when she tells you she's in her 30s.
The world is not full of a$$holes. BUT, they are strategically placed so that you are sure to bumb into at least one every day.
Coffee shops should have a separate line for mufuckas who are late for work.
I'm glad thought bubbles aren't visible, or else people would think I'm a complete psychopath,
Cop: "Sir, what's in the bottle next to you? Me: "It's water" Cop: "Sir, this is wine" Me: "What? Damn Jesus! He always plays this prank on me!"
When I go to Twitter and it says "Something is technically wrong" I think that's probably the most accurate statement ever.
Ugly girls who send their fine ass friends to holla at a guy for them should be arrested for grand misrepresentation.
My daily needs: Food 20% + Water 5% + Sleep 15% + Internet- 60%.
You know you're getting old when you start having dry dreams and wet farts.
You don't have to be naked to have a good time, but it helps.
Vulnerability is the last thing I want you to see in me, and the first thing I look for in you.
I am not saying I am praying for you to die, but I cant wait to DJ at your funeral.
That scary moment when you get home from work to an empty and deserted house and realize that maybe her “I am running away with my boss” speech wasn't an April Fool's joke.
I put up all the Christmas lights for Easter.......
Hope for the best. Plan for the worst. Snack in between.
Tried to buy a Harley today but they said I had no balding as of yet?
I want to have 3 kids and name them Ctrl Alt and Del, so if they f#@k up I can hit them all at once.
Best I can figure, women have 3 levels of sexy: 1. Got to look good for my man sexy. 2. Got to catch a man sexy. 3. Class reunion, it's on b!tches.
Mark Zuckerberg screwed over his class mates and best friend. Do you honestly think he cares about your opinion on the new Timeline layout? 