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my blind son just said this to me "hear ya later" 
i bought my mother in law a tv and furniture for her birthday...you shouldve seen her face when rent a center came and picked it up...yup she hates me
Ahem,,,,, Now As a recovering kleptomaniac,,,, I know how to take a joke.
ever had a nightmare so bad that when you wake up you feel like throwing a party to celebrate that it was only a dream.
You can meet 10 girls, mess with 9, talk to 8, laugh with 7, run behind 6, like 5, go out with 4, get used to 3, care about 2, but only love 1.
My tourette syndrome in under control untill I have to deal with DUMB A$S! stupid people who lack basic MOTHER FUNK1NG! common sense. SH1T! B1TCH!
Sometimes I worry my posts are too cerebrle... cerabrall... cerrebrel...
lf you can only be good at one thing, be good at cheating....because if you're good at cheating, you're good at everything.
Wait,, there's a "pro-anorexia" community? That's a thing?.. Oh,, I bet they have the worst luncheons ever.
The plain cake donut is always the last one picked.... Come with me poor little plain cake donut,, you can be on my team.
I'd like to thank Tetris for making me really good at loading my dishwasher.
My favorite machine at the gym is the exit door.
I only have a home phone so I can find my cell phone.
Does this leaf make me look fat?" - Eve.
I phoned the Procrastinators Helpline... They took my number and said they'd get back to me :/
I applied for a job in a Pshyc Ward. They said I need 24 hrs experience with a retard... So I was wondering, what are you doing tomorrow.
Whenever somebody calls me ugly, I give them a big hug. I can only imagine how hard life must be for the visually impaired.
The Muppets would have been so much better if Kermit had been voiced by John Wayne.
These tornadoes are awful...I blame the violence in tornado themed video games
I like to go up to my wifes twin sister and say "i know what you look like naked" 