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I see a nice candle lit dinner for 2 and she sees an opportunity to b!tch about me not paying the power bill... Not a romantic bone in her body :( 
I think hugs are often mistakenly give where a swift kick in the ass would be more appropriate...
I'll be the spark & you'll be the fire. Come burn with me on a bed of desire.
richardmooney26 is George Zimmerman hiding... nowhere to go.. sh*t to do...
We had a girl pilot on the flight home which was fine until she overflew the airport taking duckface pictures.
I am available for parties. Not to do anything, I just like going to parties.
A young boy said to his mother, 'How old were you when I was born?' His mother replied, '23.' 'Wow, that's a lot of time we missed spending together.'
I love finding money in my pockets after a night of drinking. It's like a gift to sober me…from drunk me.
You know your Twitter timeline is boring when you get unfollowed by a spambot.
My relationship with my Ex was very psychological...she's psycho and I'm logical.
I would switch cell-phone providers if one had an "unsend my drunk text" option.
One of the hardest things in life is trying to plug in your charger in the dark
Dear guy in the mens bathroom...* man rule # 1a - if there's 5 urinals and I'm in urinal #1 , dont come parking it at urinal #2 !...your man card is suspended !
noticed something today at a restaurant. the womens restaurant sign is wearing a dress but the handicap sign beside it isnt...is the handicap woman naked?
So Mark Zuckerberg just bought Instagram for $1billion? Why didn't he just go to the App Store and download it for 99c?
Yo Instagram, I'mma let you finish, but Polaroid took some of the best pictures of all time.
If I bet a hooker $100 that she can't make me cum...is that illegal gambling or prostitution?
Facebook buys Instagram for $1B! A website that makes people better looking. They probably could have bought Smirnoff for half of that.
Eventually we'll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
Women + yoga pants = WIN! 