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Thanks to Facebook, whenever I go to a really great restaurant, I never tip the server. Instead, I write "Bob likes this" on the wall, flash them a thumbs up and walk out. 
Friend: "Whats a good movie?" Me: "Snakes on a plane" Friend: "Whats it about?" Me: "Horses... horses on a boat"
When I wasn't looking someone grabbed my shopping cart on Amazon and replaced it with one with a squeaky wheel. Of course my stuff was gone, and this one was filled with a bunch of "Preperation H" and a couple of those blow up rubber dounuts.
Attention to all my lady Facebook friends; Posting pics of you and your men kissing and frolicking is one sure way to get deleted.
I sent that b!tch a smiley face. B!tches LOVE smiley faces
There's no sex like the ‘we haven't had it for awhile' kind of sex.
I love it when Facebook flirting turns into tearing each other's clothes off and passionate sex.
Best pick up line? Lets go eat. I'm paying!
•Life is not fair, but life is not fair for everyone... which actually makes it fair.
•The biggest lie I tell myself is... "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."
There's too many people out here who have the balls to state their opinion. But not enough balls to be that person who makes ish happen.
Dudes that are upset because instagram is now available on Android are prolly the same dudes who pees while sitting down.
Coffee is nature's way of saying “Go ahead, get drunk on a weeknight, I got your back!”
The only thing worse than girls going after the "Bad Boy" is today's perception of what a Bad Boy is.
Note to Self: Wearing headphones do not make my farts silent.
Trying to find a good time to tell my dog he is adopted...
Did anyone else know that "Fes" from That 70's Shows' name stands for (F)oreign (E)xchange (S)tudent
When I say ‘it's a long story', it doesn't mean it's actually a long story. It means I just don't want to tell you.
When I drive if you beep your horn .31 seconds after the light changes green I will shut off my car, lay on the hood & feed birds for an hour.
The human brain is amazing, It functions 24 hours a day from the time we were born, and only stops when we take exams. 