Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   My girlfriend says I'm a bad influence on her kids. Probably because now every time she tells them "Stop," they reply with either "collaborate and listen" or "hammer time."

   I told my boss I couldn't make it to work because of the weather today. "But it's sunny outside," he said. "Exactly," I replied, as I pop open a beer.

   I tried to share a cheeseburger with a homeless guy I saw sitting on a bench last night. He told me to go away and buy my own.

   They say that carrots help you see in the dark - that is crap! After 5 minutes of walking into stuff, I switched back to using a light.

   Hey there automatic flushing toilet. I love your enthusiasm but ummm..... I wasn't finished yet.

   I saw some chick get her nipple pierced last night..... Man, I am so bad at darts when I'm drunk.

   Katie must be out of her 5 yr lease contract with Tom Cruise finally

   Amigo, the only thing in this world that gives orders is balls. Balls. You got that? - Tony Montana

   There are two varieties of hoe. One is a gardening tool. The other is a hardening tool.

   You know you're desperate for an answer when you look on the second page of Google.

   Just sold a lawn mower on eBay. That will be the last time my neighbor wakes me up on a Saturday morning.

   I'm not afraid of stupid people. I'm afraid of intelligent people with stupid ideas.

   Why do shampoo bottles have to say 'Lather, Rinse, Repeat' on them? My blonde girlfriend has been in the shower for 2 weeks now.

   I proposed my girl today. Apparently "Do you want to be the one who makes sandwiches for me for the rest of my life" isn't the way to do it.

   Whenever my parents talk about 'the good old days' they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is pretty cool, because that's also the year I was born... wait... what?

   F.Y.I. a slice of bread does not substitute as toilet paper.

   To the Kindergarten teacher that I kicked in the shin because I didn't want to take a nap, I am sorry. I was really b!tchy when I dropped my son off.

   I think it's really strange how some people talk to their animals, give them personalities and make up voices for them. My dog, Steve, agrees with me.

   If you see me out somewhere and act like you didn't, you should know that I ignored you first.

   I gave blood for the local blood drive today. Someone's blood alcohol level is going UP!