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I bought a Dale Earnhart GPS on eBay but it just keeps telling me to turn left. I swear it is starting to drive me up the walls. 
Nothing better than coming home from work, pop open a beer and watch the dog drag a$$ on the carpet.
I'm against picketing but I don't know how to show it.
While most of my friends played Doctor as a kid, I played Mortician. I didn't have much faith in them being doctors.
Drinking promotes freedom of speech. Call me tonight and I'll tell what I really think of you!
You know your childhood is over when you actually want to take a nap.
Life is nothing but anticipation followed by feelings of nostalgia for times that really weren't all that great.
If you're eating nachos and not singing nacho nacho man you're probably not as drunk as me.
Don't underestimate stupid people. They outnumber us.
Bro Tip: Wink at the cute lady on the elevator and push the 6 and 9 buttons over and over until she gives in.
i've always wanted to walk to a stranger, hand them a briefcase and whisper, "You know what to do." and walk away....
Why is it I can remember every word to the humpty dance but have no idea what I came into the kitchen to get?
I'm single, meaning I don't have anyone dragging me into the theaters to go see the 'Hunger Games'...
Looking right through a woman's sundress as she walks away from me. Sunshine rules.
Husband: "Honey, has the postman come yet?" Wife: "No, but he's panting and sweating pretty hard."
I hadn't planned on doing anything today. So far, I am right on schedule!
I guess Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are dating now, and apparently it's getting serious. Friends say Kanye is the guy Kim wants to spend the rest of her month with
If I had a dollar for every time a woman called me a jerk, I'd buy an iPad.
Don't judge me just because I sin differently from you.
You need a best friend you can have sex with. 