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Eating Taco Bell is like sleeping with your ex. I feel horrible afterwards and I'm always drunk when I do it. 
My ex left me for some balding, over-weight, less intelligent, less attractive, less financial secure person.
(Oh) = Stop talking to me. (K) = I'm done talking. (Whatever) = f*ck you. (Fine) = f*ck it. (I guess) = I don't give a f*ck.
longing for the 80's. Long hair, long guitar solos, long pubes...
"H3y what r yhu dooinq?" ... About to throw a dictionary at your face.
i love you as much as the first piece of bead that nobody claims
let me be your next instagram
*Fat chick posts a picture on Facebook* "Fresh out the shower. (; " Me: "You spelled ocean wrong."
Sunglasses allow an individual to stare at people without them knowing. It is Facebook in real life.
BREAKING: Tupac died again today when a member of his posse tripped over the extension cord.
President Obama recently released his tax returns. It turns out he made $900,000 less in 2011 then he did in 2010. You know what that means? Even Obama is doing worse under President Obama.
Handicap people should get a $200 ticket for parking in the regular spots.
I hate when fat women can't cook... Ummm okay, woman you just fat for no reason?
Ghetto counting: 1) Wahh. 2) Two. 3) Three. 4) Foe. 5) Fieee. 6) Sih. 7) Selm. 8) Ate. 9) Naa. 10) Teh. 11) Lem. 12) Twehh.
Oh, you think you're ugly? I believe you spelled attention seeking wh$re wrong.
F*ck an alarm system. I've seen "Home Alone," I know what to do.
I love a woman with passionate thoughts, eloquent words, and a beautiful mind...oh, and a nice rack too!
When I'm bored I like to put on a grim reaper costume and stand across the street from the nursing home and wave at the old folks...
People who wait 4 hours to reply to my text with “lol” should be damn shot.
Why WOULDN'T you wear a condom when they got that sh!t called "Kids" goin around? 