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When I invite a woman to dinner, I expect her to look at my face. That's the price she has to pay. 
When I'm down on a woman I'm never thinking outside of the box.
It's a sad day when someone dies. Unless you're in the will.
Coworker just said "I need a thick black one." She was talking about a marker but I'm still reporting her to HR for sexual harassment.
I don't understand why you can lead a horse to water but you can't make a teenager do the dishes.
The phrase, "Don't take this the wrong way" has a zero percent success rate
I haven't bought an iPhone with Siri yet because I have a fear of talking to women.
Seriously, get off the computer once in a while… smell the roses… volunteer… show your balls to a turtle…
Ryan Seacrest has found the final horcrux.
When comforting someone who is illiterate, I always say softly, "There, their, they're."
I don't know why I even bother having a iPhone anymore. It spends so much time on charge, you might as well call it a landline.
An expert has predicted computers will eventually replace paper altogether. He has obviously never tried to wipe his ass with a laptop!
31% of women complain about everything while the other 69% complain about everything
Put your crash helmet on love, because you're going through the headboard.
It has been proven that girls whose profile pics were taken in a mirror or more likely to send you nudes
I'm not a fan of that show 'the Voice'.. Call me old fashioned but I just don't think somebody who f*cked up the National Anthem in front of millions of people should judge anybody."
Breaking NEWS: Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
Why are the people in herpes commercials happier than I normally am?
No story that begins with "She had never drunk tequila before" ever has a happy ending
Next time you ride on a roller coaster, take some spare bolts with you and just as it starts to move, tap the person in front of you and say, "these just fell out of your seat." muhahahahaaa., 