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gave my wife plastic surgery. I cut up her credit cards. 
Happy National Surprise Random Drug Test Day!
My wife says I'm "Immature"... just because I snuck up behind her when she was reading her "Romance" novel and made kissing sounds.....
If you invite me for dinner and serve ground turkey tacos,, you may as well turn on some Nickleback and wizz in my Fresca too........
We're a family team here, we all need to pitch in. Cat, lick your butthole. Dog, eat my shoe. Fish, swim in your own filth.. I got dishes......And BREAK
Do you have neighbors?.. Do you have extension cords?..... Are you paying too much for electricity?
My wife said that my pen!s closely resembles a Tic Tac. She was proud of her remark until I asked her why her sister still has bad breath then.
Ive recently been wearing my wifes knickers back to front. Let's see if our lodger still gets turned on by secretly sniffing those bad boys!
Whats the definition of a tree? Something that stands still for forty years then suddenly jumps out in front of a woman driver.
My wife asked me to bring home some stuff for the pancakes yesterday. She wasn't happy when I came back with a push up bra.
*BREAKING NEWS* The man who recently took Ryanair to court after they misplaced his luggage, has lost his case!
If “plan A” didn't work, the alphabet has 25 more letters.
Cops dislike txtn and driving ...Really? This bj and beer should be fine.
Dude is that Matchbox 20? Turn that up. Said no one ever.
So let me get this straight, a 747 can carry a space shuttle on its "back", and yet airlines charge for overweight baggage?
I need to do laundry so bad I'm actually wearing Christmas stockings
Why are doctors so afraid of apples anyway?
Teacher told us how Tom Sawyer was a free-spirited tale of misbehaving rascals; then screamed at us to sit still & listen.
Most priceless thing in my life??? My insanity...it makes everything ok :-)
A new study says people who sit a lot die sooner. Basically, if you're a tennis umpire with a roommate who paints portraits, you're screwed. 