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Love hurts, and will tear us apart. Also, timber wolves. 
I used to want to be a storm chaser, until I realized most storms will just come to you.
I hate when I take LSD, and see a raccoon, and I'm all "The Hamburglar is shape-shifting, man!"
My Asian friend ordered a Crown and Coke but I hired a clown to do blow with him because I knew what he meant.
If aliens attack earth we should all act like we dont hear or see them.
Ever wonder why the side of the car says" to protect and serve"????? Protect the donuts and serve the coffee................
Ron Artest - Metta World Peace, that's his name now, only gets a 7 game suspension for cheap shot in the NBA. Do we live in a society that rewards bad behavior? What's next, an endorsement for elbow macaroni?
Real Madrid Just Launched A New Bra today .. It has Alot of Support But still No Cup...
What goes "mhau namih uh bah booh"? A deaf woman when your standing on her foot apparently.
The internet is a great place to turn strangers into enemies.
Every time I go on vacation, my wife gets pregnant. I should take her with me next time.
I've tried experimenting with drugs. Putting acid in my wife's tea has been the funniest yet.
Somewhere in the world a stripper is having a mental breakdown on the pole...... HAPPY FATHERS DAY!
I don't wallow in self pity, I drink through it like a real man.
You take "the" out of psychotherapist.
I look in a mirror and wonder what became of the eager, wide-eyed boy with the world in front of him, then figure by the size of me I ate him.
Pro tip; If your parents, your boss, and three of your friends invite you to a party at a clinic its a trap.
I like to go on OK Cupid and find the worst possible matches for myself and message them being like "We can make this work."
I dress for success because getting dressed is the most successful thing I do all day.
Me: Hey, you want some oysters? Him: No thanks. I'm Jewish. Me: Oh don't worry they're free. 