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It's amazing the places I travel to when I'm talking on the phone. 
I swear people don't know how long the things they say can stay in someone's head.
Can't say I'm surprised by the Kanye West - Kim Kardashian union, considering they both have egos the size of her ass.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where I stand upright, watching the class through the window while eating a cheeseburger.
I'm HAVING A DINNER party tomorrow,how many boxes of cheerios do I need to feed 8 people ..
So I'm in line at Walgreens,,, The lady ahead of me turns around & whispers to me she has diarrhea. Apparently,, I have a "Tell me if you have diarrhea" face..
Dear Genitals, Thank you for not bleeding every month. Sincerely, A Man
I never use turn signals..its nobodies business where I go.
NFL Draft tonight....can't wait to hear the Jets fans moan about their 1st choice!
Follow your dreams, except for that one where you're naked at work.
We all have that one friend that makes us laugh with their stupidity.
I don't like to think before I speak. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else
Beware, ticket Agencies are apparently selling fake London 2012 Olympic tickets, although my ticket for the mens wheelchair triple jump seems genuine enough.
Throwing lamps at people that need to lighten up...
Childhood is like being drunk. Everyone remembers what you did, except for you.
Who says white men can't rap? Have you ever been to an auction?
Every time I consider being healthy, I remember pizza.
Copper wire was invented by two Jews fighting over a penny.
One of these days I'm staying home, and sending my hologram to work instead!
The hardest part about solving this Magic Eye poster is that Seal keeps telling me to stop staring at his face. 