Funny Status Messages

   This drug sniffing dog was a great investment! He already found 2 bags of weed I thought I had lost!

   I told the monster in my closet that if he came out of the closet he would be gay. Problem solved! #Winning

   #HoodTranslations101: "Sh*t just got real" = The situation has escalated to the highest point of seriousness & is no longer a laughin matter

   Calories: Tiny creatures that live in your closet and sew your clothes a little tighter each

   Finally the world sees that Arizona's immigration law is no different from the federal law. It is just that the Feds don't want the law enforced. Bring it on 1.6 billion a yr can be spent on Arizonans instead.

   I told my roommate this morning if my dinner isn't on the table when I get home from work he's gettin the beating of his life. Then I hid the table

   You know you're in America when you can buy replacement cartridges of ink for $29.25, or buy a brand new printer with ink for $39.95.

   Dear ladies, Not trying to impress you or anything, but I make my own sandwiches.

   Black person: Jeans $200, Shirt $100, Shoes $160, pockets.. $0 White Person: Jeans $15, Shirt $20, Shoes $30, pockets $5,000"

   B!tch If you can't fit your tweet into 140 characters, maybe you should shut the hell up.

   I don't even know why I look in the back seat of my car when I get in at night.Like the killer is going to scream 'Oh crap! you saw me, retreat!

   ATTENTION !! Today has just been Upgraded to ... FRISKY FRIDAY !!! Thank you...

   I saw a monarch butterfly today, what made it so special is the fact that it was the first time it wasn't stamped on some stripper's ass.

   It's always a shock when one of your best friends turns out to be three small dogs in a man suit.

   I don't see dead people, I just see people that I wish were dead.

   I have paid for this bottle of Vodka, I own that. I still haven't paid my rent for this month, I owe that.

   Going half way across the state this morning, and you know what that means...this truck is now a rolling karaoke machine.

   KEEP CALM. There is enough pu$$y in the world for everyone, even for lesbians too.

   Finally, I'm online! Just want to say to all my facebook friends good night.. out!

   Getting your girlfriend to agree to try an@l is NOT made any easier when you tell her how willing your last girlfriend was.