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Fool me once, shame on my personal fool-stopper, Reginald. 
Before you decide to just stay home tonight remember, Beastie Boys have fought and died for your right to party.
*spank* . DIDN'T . *spank* . I. *spank* . TELL *spank* YOU *spank* TO *spank* . CLEAN . *spank* . UP ? MOVE YA HAND !
For guys who try on women's clothing, if you really thought like a woman you would realize that you are wearing something that just doesn't fit.
If my dad were alive today he would say, "Son,, stop telling people I'm dead".
I am watching women's softball for the first time. I wish the camera would focus on the batter's box.
No I do not want to watch your sister's wrestling match, but I'd love to see her box.
What a night! Got drunk with some friends; broke into the zoo; had a very realistic dream about having sex with a midget nun; woke up with a penguin in my bed. EPIC!
Goku had died and been ressurrected so many times it would make a Hindu dizzy.
Who says I can`t cook? You obviously haven`t tasted my cereal !
You know you're ugly when the plastic surgeon wants to add a tail
I love Sundays, because my Italian grandmother cooks THE BEST crystal meth.
You know you're an unwanted ugly child when you have been breast fed by the family dog
Let's play truth or dare. Or maybe just dare because no one knows how to tell the truth anymore.
"Give it to me!" she said, "I'm so wet, give it to me right now!" And I replied, “Screw you, it's my umbrella!”
Sex without love is like ice cream without sprinkles… still pretty awesome.
You call them enemies, I call them people who wish they were me.
Dear girls calling themselves Barbie: I hope you realize a barbie is 100% plastic and brainless.
When I get in an elevator, before I press a button, I turn around look at everyone inside and say: "Okay people, are you ready to take this sh!t to a whole new level?"
My epileptic wife had a seizure in a bathtub full of water so I threw in some dirty laundry and laundry detergent. WIN !!! 